


If We Ended Up Dead

by BitterRenegade



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Character Death, F/M, Heartbreak
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-02
Updated: 2016-12-02
Packaged: 2018-09-06 02:04:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8730427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BitterRenegade/pseuds/BitterRenegade
Summary: "If we ended up dead this time tomorrow, what would you regret?"She already knows Jeff's answer.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RiriYuki](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RiriYuki/gifts).



> Trust me and read "In Another Universe" first

Commander Shepard. It’s her name, but at the same time it’s not. It feels more like a prison, like a shadow that blocks her every time she takes a step. She hardly ever uses her real name any more, hasn’t heard it since Akuze when Nori was screaming **_“Run, Ethel! Go!”_**. Shepard… Shep… It was supposed to be a nickname. A silly misspelling of the Shepherd in German Shepherd because they always told her she was more loyal than a dog. And Commander… it was supposed to be a rank, but somehow that rank ended up replacing the only thing she’d had back on Earth.

_“I’d never really considered it Commander… no offense.”_

The words continue to ring in her head on repeat. His expression, uncomfortable, a bit embarrassed. Why the hell had she thought it was a good idea?

“I’m Commander Shepard and I’m the biggest dumbass on the Citadel,” she mutters to herself. The bartender hands her another drink and that drink turns into two, three, ten and then she loses count and ends up calling Garrus with tears threatening to spill from her eyes. She can trust him, he was there from the start just like Jeff and since she can’t call Jeff because she just encouraged him to start dating a robot—the thought makes the tears finally break free. She’s tired, she’s so, so tired. Commander Shepard can’t cry though, so she starts laughing through the tears like she just thought of the funniest thing in the world. That’s how Garrus finds her, laughing and crying because she feels like Cerberus never really brought her life since inside she feels just as dead as Mordin, Thane, Pressly, Toombs, and _Nori_.

“If we all ended up dead this time tomorrow, what would you regret?” she asks as he helps her into her bed. Garrus is such a good friend. She can hear a rumble in his throat, and he looks like he’s seriously considering his answer even though she’s drunk and probably won’t remember their conversation. She already knows Jeff’s answer.

“I’m not sure,” He finally says. “But if you’re still this sad this time tomorrow, I’d regret not being able to make you feel better.”

Garrus is a good friend. His statement so earnest and kind that Ethel can’t help but start crying again and awkwardly pull on his arm. “I wish I fell for you,” she tells him with tear-stained cheeks and sorrow that the turian had never thought Shepard was capable of. He has no idea what caused the great Commander Shepard to feel this way, but he knows that if he did know who turned her into an emotional wreck, he would probably shoot them. She falls asleep once she’s run out of tears, and Garrus pulls her blankets over her before leaving. Tali asks him what happens, but he doesn’t answer. The turian knows that the last thing Ethel needs is the crew worrying about her.

The next day she comes and sits on the floor near him while he works. Everyone knows she only does that with Joker, and he begins to piece together what happened the previous night. Doesn’t bring it up, though. Just throws a bit of conversation her way before asking Shepard if she wants to spend some time with him and Tali later. She refuses, and he places what he hopes comes across as a comforting talon on her shoulder. He’s seen so many things go wrong, and he just wants something to go right for her because if anyone deserves that, it’s Shepard.

Most of the crew notice that Shepard doesn’t head up to the cockpit very often now—especially after Thessia. But no one really mentions it until Vega confronts the commander about it. Calls her Lola, and she gets quiet. Looks more like a scared little girl than the savior of the galaxy before begging him to call her Ethel because she has a name, and it’s not Lola. It’s not Lola, or Commander, or Shepard and they’re in the middle of the war and she wants people to know that she has a name. And soon they’re heading back to Earth, and one of the last things Jeff says to Ethel is “Commander, be careful down there.”

The pilot wants to kick himself after because he knows she has a name and he didn’t use it. He holds on to the hope that after the Reapers are gone, he’ll see her again. He’ll apologize and they’ll finally talk again and he has a plan. Once the Reapers are gone he’s willing to try and see what they’d be like together because he knows what he’d regret.

They find her body, lifeless and cold in the rubble of London two weeks after the final Reaper falls to the Crucible and he feels just as dead as she is.

When he sees the plaque that they’d made for the memorial wall he tries to break it in half and ends up breaking his arm.

It says “Commander Shepard”.


End file.
